I’ll admit that I’ve become jaded about conspiracy theories. It’s hard not to be, especially in the US where the very same people that have been warning us about technocratic despots are now cheering that exact thing. They also get kind of rote. If I hear someone go on an anti-Semitic rant, I just think to myself, “Oh it’s a Globalist conspiracy theory only they’ve decided against trying to pretend who it’s about.” At the most basic level, I’m separating each conspiracy theory into one of two categories: silly or dangerous. I’m just not surprised by much anymore.
Then, a few months ago, I was listening to the 2023 Ockham-award-winning podcast Knowledge Fight. Episode 930 was covering host Alex Jones’ meltdown over an alleged siege of his studio to seize his assets. This is what people are probably going to remember, if anything, about that episode. However, I became very interested in what happened before that. Earlier in that episode Jones hosted frequent guest of Joe Rogan, Eddie Bravo (about: 49:51 into the episode).
Bravo is a conspiracy theorist who questions the Holocaust and pushes the Flat Earth theory. Bravo isn’t that interesting, he doesn’t bring anything new to the conspiracy theory table, but joining Eddie was a fellow guest named “Flat Earth Dave.” Flat Earth Dave was discussing something called the Tartaria conspiracy and my ears pricked up, I had never heard this term before. Dave and Bravo began making claims that stone buildings can’t burn to the ground, which caused an exasperated Alex Jones to make a broken clock statement, “They burn to the fucking ground Eddie.” I stopped what I was doing, quickly sketched out some notes… and promptly forgot about the whole thing.
Fast forward to the present day, I was deleting emails (a task that, as an academic, takes up a surprising amount of my time) and I came across a few from academia.edu, which sends you academic journal articles… well, in theory it’s supposed to. Usually, I’m receiving emails asking if I’m the author of some article on a disease, or it’s sending me editorials and people’s thesis drafts. I tend to ignore most of their email. I don’t want to throw too much shade; it has given me some good pieces and I know that if it’s from them it won’t be locked behind a paywall. This day I opened their message and see “Tartaria: The Hidden Empire” by David Vanderper of the University of Liege.
Occasionally I’ll receive “articles” like this. I’ve been sent “commentaries” on the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, which has just been the Protocols of the Elders of Zion with some Nazi jerk’s introduction. I don’t know what academia.edu’s upload policy is, but it has apparently been easy to game their system. So Tartaria has once again returned, and I thought this topic absurd enough to be a nice palate cleanser from the constant dread of national politics.
The first thing I did was look for the author, David Vanderper, at the University of Liege. There is no one in the directory with that name. I wasn’t surprised but I was, admittedly, a bit disappointed. There is a profile page on academia.edu, which is a goldmine of material for people like us. It all points to a very specific worldview (which I think is coincidentally related to the concept of the Crypto-Terrestrial Hypothesis that I wrote about a few months ago; the idea that there exists a secret civilisation within, or under, our own). There is writing about races of ancient giants, dragons, mother goddesses, and an uploaded copy of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. The image used on the bio was a promotional image for a company that was attempting to make edible seaweed packaging for drinkable water.
This conspiracy theory alleges that, in the distant past, there existed a globe-spanning empire of advanced technology and spirituality that has long since faded away. If you’re rolling your eyes at the apparent cribbing of a standard Atlantis theory, I was with you. Atlantis theories are theories that are played out at this point. It’s an utter misunderstanding of the point that Plato was making in the Timaeus – which was, Athens is totes the best because they were the only nation that could stand against the sea peoples of the Mediterranean.
Atlantis conspiracy theories are about giving modern conspiracy theories more depth. They are claiming a false provenance because Atlantis allegedly predates the Great Pyramids, and the theory can get on to its main point that the Illuminati are forcing us to listen to Lady Gaga, while eating bugs, in our 15-minute cities.
One feature of this conspiracy theory that I found fascinating is that the entire conspiracy theory seems to revolve around architecture. Architecture is one of those subjects that I know very little about but am fascinated with. I don’t understand the nuances in various architectural styles, despite my hometown’s city hall being a solid example of the art deco style. What the Tartaria conspiracy alleges is that “buildings hundreds of years old and located all across the world are known to be encased in a mud flow up to several stories high and in some cases even completely engulfing buildings in nothing but mud.”
While the name “Tartarian” references the “Tartar” ethnic group, this conspiracy theory has a different history in mind. The Tartars were globe spanning. Every major building, from St. Mary’s Church at the University of Oxford, to the Hagia Sophia and the Chrysler Building, are much larger than they appear, because they extend for several stories under the ground because of the great flood that buried them.
You may begin to ask, what is the point of these buildings then? Each one was an aetheric energy generator, power station, and sound-resonation healing center. The crosses, minarets and poles on top of the buildings are the collectors for this energy. I think it’s nice that they include water stations there too, I don’t know why, but it’s just fun to think that while you’re sitting in the sound-healing chamber you might get a bit thirsty so they’re making water there, too.
What is aetheric energy? It’s probably a reference to the fifth element – ether, which crops up in certain circles as the fabric of the universe. It is the medium that Newton’s gravity flows through, or it’s the thing which causes the expansion of the universe; whatever we don’t understand is probably aetheric energy. This is science fiction technobabble designed to bewilder us into agreement. It’s certainly not the Casimir Effect.
Unfortunately for us, the flood buried this technology in mud.
Remember, it wasn’t that flood, it was a different one. In fact, Vanderper makes a point of stressing that the Biblical flood is likely just a myth. The second broken-clock moment in this experience comes at this point, when the paper reiterates the point that Noah’s flood comes from a story in the Epic of Gilgamesh.
This theory is so absurd it leaves me giddy. It’s almost too big to debunk… almost. In my dissertation I argue that there is a type of conspiracy theory that is impossible to prove wrong – the omni-conspiracy theory, in which everything is part of the system. The theory that we live inside a computer simulation, for instance. Any attempt to create an argument that the theory is wrong is subject to the rules of the computer system we are trapped inside. Theories that employ magic describe a worldview where the natural order can be violated, rendering rational appeals to the natural world moot. The Tartaria theory isn’t doing exactly that. It’s trying to ground itself, and it isn’t presenting a villain either.
Oddly, this aspect of the theory becomes the most interesting. Where did these people go? Atlantean theories have the gods to bury the island. Here, we’ve got no explanation. It just ends, and people like Eddie Bravo say that any building built before photography is really built on the ruins of a building constructed 450,000 years ago.
Sometimes conspiracy theory is just fun to experience. The galactic wars of Project Camelot, the UFO stuff, and now this, are all just so goofy that it almost gives me a sense of refreshment. I understand the slope that theories like this can lead down, but there is no call to action here. It doesn’t even have the veneer of a coverup either, it’s just silly. And, as my country descends into a farcical place where the only people in charge of facets of society are people that don’t believe in those facets, theories like this are pleasant in that the only thing they can do is fund archaeological digs to find the hidden empire.
